Our son Liam Matthew Allen was born 8/17/2013 at 4:32 am.
After 9 months of research and educated decisions our tediously planned all natural home birth we welcomed this cute little face. Now you might say, "That looks an awful lot like a hospital room." Well you would be a hundred percent correct.
My due date was August 9th, and about the time the 5th rolled around I was READY. Being of short stature I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sit, stand or walk in any way that was deemed "comfortable" or aesthetically pleasing. But of course, being MY kid Liam was already doing things on his schedule. The 5th was the last night of our Bradley Method Birth Classes and knew for sure at that moment I was going to have my boy in a few days after a long hard labor and a gruesome delivery in our corner tub.
Well the 9th came and left and we were inching closer to the 22nd, which was the day Matt's parents were flying in so I was getting more and more anxious; to go along side that last month of no sleep to prepare you for the inevitable mommydom. Finally the 15th I caved (after having turned down exams my entire pregnancy) I was 4cm dilated! The CLA (CLA is the active ingredient in Prime Rose oil that helps to dilate and efface) was working. WHOOHOO. on the 16th Matt was deemed the first daddy in Cascade Birth Clinic history to do an exam and be correct.. But there was some concern that he was posterior ;by the morning of the 17th I was 7cm and wasn't really having the contractions I had prepared myself for. They were between 3-8 min apart lasting between 30 sec to a minute. I knew they were happening but they were not what I would consider painful. After some exercises and a chat with my little sister who was along for the ride I decided that I was getting to be "discomfortable" and I wanted to sit in the tub for awhile. Well two hours later my contractions meant business. THIS was what I prepared for. We called the midwife and about midnight Jane and her birth assistant showed up.
In between these horrifying contractions and trying to breathe them out, I kept thinking that this was the exact experience I wanted. Lights were low, everything was so peaceful. This was perfect, THIS was why women choose this. Its not about trying to prove something.
Well about 2:30 my water had not broke yet, so Jane broke my water, and supposedly in 15 min I would be holding my sweet baby boy. Except when she broke my water I didn't feel Liam move down, I felt him actually up higher, and BOY were the contractions even stronger, I didn't even think this was possible. So Jane checked me and in that moment a 2 ft long string of meconium shot out at the midwife. She so calmly asked if I could get out of the tub so she could check to make sure, and indeed he was breech.
Have you ever had the wind taken out of your sails and now your lost wandering at sea at the mercy of the ocean. This was me in this moment in my life. And then in that same moment I was mad, angry and discouraged. I stood up, put my nightgown on gathered my bag. (yes, this was not packed because I was not, not having my baby at home. And I was most certainly not going to welcome that into my universe by prepacking a bag) Welp the universe had its own plans. So I walked down the stairs and outside and stood and waited on my front porch for the ambulance to whisk me away to what I was sure the pits of hell.
Once at the hospital, I wont even get into the politics of my admitting committee and doctors and nurses and how I was appalled and angry and annoyed, Except my anger wore off and I was back in pain again and after SIGNING PAPERWORK. They wheeled me back for the scariest moment of my life so far.... I've never had surgery or anything so I had no idea what to expect and I was less than thrilled about this giant sized needle that was about to go in my back. 9 tries later. My legs were numb, I was hooked up to more machines than I knew what to do with and I'm barking orders at these nurses, (because I didn't have my birth plan and I was crunchy to say the least with my birth plan, definitely not what you go to a hospital and get.) He was not to have shots, he was to do skin to skin with Matt. He wasn't going to leave Matt's sight at all. This voice from the other side of the curtain goes "Excuse me Ash-a-ree (he was Asian) I'm pressing scalpel to your abdomen can you feel this?". WHOA- Wait Where is Matt. "he is coming", Okay then slow your roll he needs to be there.
I am going to take this brief moment to say if anyone reading this is in charge of an OR, quit being a cheapskate and turn up the damn heat. I don't know if you know this but the whatever type of medicine they were pumping me full of was making me cold, and it was already 20 degrees in the room to start with.
In no time at all I could hear him, my boy. Matt said he was so beautiful. I wish I could have seen it. I got a brief moment with my new little family and then they were whisked back to my recovery room to do skin to skin and meet auntie charli and our amazing midwife who stayed there the whole time. in retrospect, there is so much about that day that I don't remember. I feel like I missed out on so much. If I am being honest with myself I feel divided about that day. While I am so thankful I have a happy healthy son and everything went smooth as butter given our last minute surprises; I cant help but feel upset about the whole thing. And it makes me feel selfish, I guess. I wanted to see my son take his first breath, I wanted to do skin to skin and hold him and let him breastfeed, I wanted to hold him immediately. I wanted our voices to be the first he heard and our skin to be the first he touched. And instead I'm left with fog and with what Matt tells me happened that night. But enough about me, Matt was a happy daddy!
While I was in the hospital I had maybe 5 hours of sleep, OMG lets talk about condensing room visits people. Everyone at the hospital was great. EXCEPT two things, First they kept insisting on vaccinations and flu shots. Im sorry but No means no. And this heal "prick", Well that woman almost lost her life. They used a razor blade and then squeezed a vile of blood out of his foot and continued to squeeze his foot to fill up four circles the size of nickels. Firstly, I wasn't allowed to hold him or let him feed while doing this, secondly she was squeezing so hard he had bruises and his foot was tender for a few days, and lastly why in the hell would you need so much blood. It took this lady 5 minutes to extract this and in the meanwhile he was screaming so hard and so upset he peed and pooped himself. And for those reading this who have had a hospital birth, That is not normal, NOR is it the most humane way of handling that. At his one month check up the midwife wanted to do the same thing and when I declined she asked why. I told her my horror story and ended up in tears. She said no, you need to breastfeed him while we do this, and we just need four spots in the circles, no viles or anything of that sort. And we did, not a peep out of him!!!
And little did I know what a whirlwind the next months would be. Everyone talks about how bad recovering from a C-section is... In my opinion recovery has NOTHING on labor. I was showing my in-laws around downtown Seattle four days after having been discharged from the hospital. I know most people my lovely midwife included says to lay down. But I firmly believe my recovery went so much quicker and better because I was up and moving around. I was taking spirulina to help my body regenerate and Serrapeptidies to help eat the scar tissue and I was GOLDEN!
A Move, a Trip to Iowa and four months later here we are. I have the most adorable handsome little man ever. He is so smart and happy I could not be more proud.
I didn't get the birth I wanted, I didn't get to breastfeed but I did get an amazing son that fills my heart up with so much love. I feel like the luckiest woman ever to get to wake up to these beautiful faces.
I think the first lesson my son has taught me, was you can have a game plan, but it doesn't mean it will work out that way. Oh by the way, WE'RE EXPECTING, again!
Merry Christmas from my family to yours!
Love,Ashley
